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Friday, March 20, 2015

Single ladies vs Married ladies - The comeback. (must read)

The millionaire CEO who wrote the article yesterday in response to the single ladies vs married women saga from a man's point of view (read here), is back with another response after reading your comments. And ladies, he went in...choi...and told some hard truths. Read below...

So I come in by 11pm, take a cold shower, cook, eat, relax for a while and alas, I remembered I posted an article on the very sophisticated Linda Ikeji’s blog, it was about time to read (and unread) the comments.
Nna mehn, I never believed our country’s educational system was THIS bad, I could tell that some drama queens, (even if you’re married – or you believe you are) are so embittered with the hardness of life in their lives, I feel so sorry for you, with all the hate you put that small spaghetti-like muscle of an energy into missing the point, how then can you have a life with a man?

Can’t you see you need to be cheated on!? If as a woman, you’re going thru pain now cos of my last post, it’s either you were blinded by infatuation or the elders in your community rushed you to marry or you’re just that bad in picking your man. *Yoruba sigh*

I will be as precise as I can be so as to break it down for y’all, this is my second time posting an article on this “single ladies vs married ladies” ish where both parties joined forces to put us men in the centre and as the nucleus of their confused minds. I read the comments and I was convinced that it’s either the angry girls could either relate or they were just proving how empty their skulls were. I am in my 30’s – true, unmarried BUT NOT SINGLE. You might be wearing a wedding ring – or not, live in the same four walls of your house with yo hubby but that does not make you married? (Your first flop for not thinking about that and a reason why you must be cheated on) and by the way, getting married isn’t by age.

My CEO status has nothing to do with your hate, I call the shots, I ain’t gonna be at work today, CEO’s here know what I’m talking about…just relax you hear? Na turn by turn, or maybe never in your case with this attitude.

I laughed out so loud, I could swear I heard myself fart, some of you girls and some boys aka live mannequins are so hilarious, your hate was supposed to be filled with hate, not comedy skits. Anyway, let’s get into it, shall we?

Because I’m not married doesn’t mean I don’t have the excerpts of the views of the married folk hence, I have them as friends, I witness the ups and downs of their married lives and I see so much I wish I didn’t. I’m not perfect, neither do I have all the answers to why we (as men) do the things that we do and in all honesty, WE DON’T CARE either, the problem is that you do. You don’t have to be a super woman to make us not cheat, I agree that if a man wants to cheat, he’ll cheat but here’s what you don’t know – you give us that room to do so. Ladies, we are 5 seconds behind your 6th sense, a lot of us aren’t brilliant to spice up a relationship, too much of the same thing becomes boring at some point hence, cheating might just be our way out of the boredom.

My article yesterday was based on experiences and observations of what I have seen and been through. Whether you like it or not, we men will cheat on you, just like how you ladies will cheat on us, the problem is not ‘the cheating’, it is the rate at which it is done, we can afford to sleep with fifty women in a month and feel like champions, to us, it is a feat, we are wired that way, we love fruit salads but you ladies can’t try it (or maybe some of you can), the maximum number of men you can sleep with in one month (if you are in a relationship already) will not be more than five, why? Guilt and emotions, you ladies don’t want to be tied to the word ‘sluts’. The painful part is that you felt you were smart when you were in your teens, you reject our innocent nerdy ways and go for the so called “big boys” only for you to reach 29 now and then become very serious and state your specs on your ideal man, no sweethearts, karma has introduced intercontinental options as the new menu.

Do you think we enjoy the fact that you give out your numbers to a total stranger you met at a supermarket all cos he made you laugh, no honey, we get hurt by that move, so a rich man gives you a lift and drops 50k and instantly, you’re in love? You compare us with your bff’s guy and how he bought her this and that or…or…or…is it the fact that you nag at us (I hate that but I love the look on your faces tho’ especially when you’re angry - epic) or we take you out for lunch and catch you checking another dude out via your small mirror of your make up kit…….my point is this, we didn’t just wake up to cheat on you, you triggered something in us to do so. Do you think we can’t be your kanye? If I grab a full scoop of your juicy bouncy behind in public and you get mad at me, guess what? Amma start thinking of ‘the other woman’, just cos guys swoon over you doesn’t mean we don’t have some numbers on speed dial. So, here are my views on how to fight urges of cheating, I hope this helps some people.

1. Get her best pictures all over you, her passport in your wallet, her faces as wall papers and screen savers on all your gadgets, hard copy prints in frames and place them in your office and home, surprise her one day by putting a large 10 x 10 banner of just her and use it as a wall piece hanging in your home. I guarantee that you’ll have this kinda smile on you whenever you stroll past that part of the house. She in return will caution herself (unless you’re dating a serial psycho cheat) when she is being flirted at, she won’t want to lose you cos guys like you with these gestures are hard to find.

2. Learn how to cook, asides that, make out time like twice every week to go eat out, it doesn’t have to be a restaurant, Mr Biggs will do just fine and if she complains cos you cut your coat to your size, guy, go get yourself a regular dolapo or damilola or gift…..and enjoy your life.

3. Chocolates, dude, that ish works like magic. Get Maltesers, or Cadbury bars with them nuts, Bounty too is nice then get a large bucket from Coldstone creamery and store in your fridge. Caution her ration so she doesn’t get fat unless, she’s ready to lose weight in the bedroom.

4. Take everyday as if you’re just meeting with her for the first time, forcefully develop that cheating urge (FOCUS ON HER ALONE) to sweep her off her feet. Send her romantic texts by 5am right just before she wakes up (trust me, this part is very hard but the more you do so, the more likely it’ll be a part of you)

5. Use her pix as your dp (for no reason, you don’t have to write anything on your pm), leave that for 2 days max

6. Send her airtime, even if its N100, its not about the airtime but the motive for doing so

7. Talk to her about the future with her in it and while doing so, remind her on why you feel blessed that she chose you, whenever she gets the chance to speak, interrupt her with the words I LOVE YOU then ask her to carry on, if she remembers where she stopped at her speech, guy, she doesn’t love you to that point.

8. Sex, sex, great sex, we don’t cheat cos we want to discuss world hunger with the other woman, we fantasize a whirlwind of bed Olympics, guys, even though we love sex as much as the ladies do, please, up your sex game, ladies don’t like a one minute man, if you masturbate, nna, stop, that’s why you don’t last in bed, delete all your porn stash, call her, talk dirty, let her abuse you but continue, tell her how horny you get when you wake up without her, these ladies are not animals na, they understand this part of us very well. Foreplay is also a key factor, don’t just strip her and get into the main course, explore her inside out, munch that kitty-kat with happiness (you’ll enjoy this if she keeps it clean), slurp on that area till you see your reflection (ladies? Shave is the new ‘turn-on’) Go for the butt-hole too at random, spend at least 7minutes slurping and making her see her ancestors (if you’re done and she has a straight face, oh boy, speed dial the next chic) then when you’re in there, try lots of positions and make it last, be sure to always think about her while doing this and chances are that she’ll be on your case everyday (well maybe not everyday but you get the point). Understand that you’re not banging her to just cum, you’re trying to understand her sexual appetite, don’t be asking if this or that hurts, let her tell you herself, dominate her, pull her hair gently but with a little bit of aggression, tap her behind, touch her in sensitive areas while at it, kiss her in the mix, you’ll be amazed by the time you do 21 rounds within a day. Yes, I know this.

1. Same as 1, 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8 but here’s an added twist to it. As for the food, if you don’t know how to cook, learn please, not rice oo, I’m talking about soups and local native ‘smash hit’ delicacies, you’ll be surprised at how he licks up the plate. Also, be creative in the kitchen, scream his name so loud as if you saw a snake, when he shows up, tell him to taste this and ask for his opinion, if he loves it, kiss him and ask him ‘how about this?’ When food is ready, watch him eat and smile while at it, not that kinda smile that’ll make him think the food is poisoned oo, a kinda innocent but lustful look.

2. Ladies, gush about your man on social media once in a while, start light so people don’t really notice who you’re talking about except him, if he doesn’t return the gesture, that’s your cue right there.

3. You know those phone calls we hate when you pick the phone and use a different tone or you excuse yourself or you talk like it’s a girl you’re talking to when we know its ‘him’, STOPEEEET.

4. Give us that bomb sex we didn’t even see coming, blow jobs are compulsory 4 unit courses, treat that stick like a legend and be flexible in most of this exercise, don’t look surprised when he thinks he’s done after round 2, blow job his brains out, even with your cum, make it drip, make it nasty (my friend, stop looking at your screen with that ‘eeeew’ look), you don’t want us to cheat ba? Then woju oo. Ladies, just like how money makes most of you stay in a relationship, good ass bomb sex does the same to us, some of us don’t know that when we kiss you standing up, you want us to give your bum a good ass soft squeeze. Guys, thank me later.

Now ladies, yes I know that irrespective of this, we tend to still cheat, if your man cheats after all of this, 2 things are involved, either you got lazy at some point or you were just too dumb and blinded with infatuation not to have known right from the start that this guy is a no – no. secondly, accept the fact that he has cheated already (even if he hasn’t) and you’ve forgiven him before the crime, do this to give yourself less heart-ache (I’m not saying he will cheat or he has cheated) I’m saying, love him till infinity, chances are that he will love only you no matter what them thirsty bitches be trying to do with him. You wanna know a bitter truth? We, the men are dumb most of the time, we take your love for granted sometimes, when you give us your all, some of us think we super-fly and then flirt, do you know what to do when you nab us flirting or worse - cheating? Nothing, do absolutely nothing, make yourself extra hot, wear them killer heels, pick our calls but with a straight face, answer with one word answers, if you live together, don’t smile, scoff if you must but don’t you ever raise the issue cos we have stupid excuses to give, since you’ve caught us, let us finish ourselves – ISIS style but whatever happens, DON’T DO THE SAME AS AN ACT OF REVENGE. Solve your issues within a very short period of time and ask if he loves you, if he says yes, ask “till when”? If he gives you an answer immediately, he’s a moron, if he’s speechless, kiss him. Tell him to talk to you about things he wants for the both of you not just him alone oo. Don’t give him sex immediately, tell him to chill, if he complains, don’t sleep in that same house, if he agrees to be starved, girl, turn around at 2am and give him the sex of the year that morning.
I hope I was able to strike a chord somewhere in you. You need to know how we are wired to do the things that we do. I don’t expect y’all to agree with me totally, these are my views. For the ladies who agreed with me in my last post, you’re the beautiful ones who deserve the best in a relationship, you rep real independent women *now looks to the left* And as for those who sent hate comments in my last post and probably will in this one too……um….
Thank you for reading, enjoy your day,

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